Breaking concrete with your face...

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 05:09:13 GMT

After 2 years some of my debt is being payed off finally. Some weight is lifted off..now i just need to call and work on the fucking repoed car. I should be making payments for that shit for the rest of my god damn life. Fuck.

Its so hard to save up for shit when im still trying to pay my past off. When the hell did this all become so out of control?
I was so god damn young when i was forced to move out that i had to learn to be alone so quick and work for EVERYTHING that i had.
This is all so stressful and sad to think about and it makes me cry everytime.

I wish i was not in the position i am in right now being 21 and NOW having the luxury of living home. Only to fix the problems that were created by me being alone. But at least i have a chance to fix it all i guess.

I wish that home was closer to where i consider my home...i really dont even know what a home is. To me..being here is not home. I cant fucking STAND being here.

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 05:20:41 GMT

Yesterday proved to me that you are everything i could ask for.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:14:01 GMT

i figured out what i want to do..
it is just 6 years of school...
and i honestly dont think i am ready for that.

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 05:52:30 GMT

i hate thisss. I'm on a soup diet now cuz i popped my damn jaw out of place. Ty took care of me all day cuz i can hardly eat drink sleep or talk. I saw paranomal activity with ty gortva bill ryan and amanda yesterday after getting my asshole handed to me at work. Everytime i work i walk out with 70-100 for only working 5-6 hours. But as much as i love the money and i cant imagine what i would make summer time there...i want a full time job with benifits so..i may be getting a job working for an ambulance company but its all the way back in lakewood go figure. I dont mind commuting to work..i just need a new car first.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 01:54:59 GMT

i learn more and more everyday about what i got myself into.

Trusting was never easy for me.. now i understand why i didnt at first.

At least i know we are for real now.

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 04:27:22 GMT

Its weird meeting new people. But i have met some pretty awesome people that i work with over here. I went pumpkin picking on wed with ty his sister manda and ryan. =) I love them. I'm so excited cuz halloween party #1 is at Jamies houseeeee and is coming up soon!

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 04:27:43 GMT

can i say...
I am extremely fucking happy.

yes...
I am extremely fucking happy.

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 16:53:23 GMT

new job= cash flowwwwww

Thank goddddd

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 02:11:59 GMT

My cousins wedding was so beautiful. I actually talked to my uncle for the first time in forever cuz as a kid he was always so scary to me. My mom was kissing my ass and following me around. Tyler was absolutely the perfect date. I had such a good time.
Things are coming together. I am realizing that even though im far away from everyone..i am making the best of what i have. I have a job..and hardly any bills. Now on my days off i can go to see them and have money to actually go out and do things.
I was so afraid last week because i thought the distance was going to have an effect on my relationship with people. If anything..my friendships and my relationship with ty are so much better. This whole weekend ty treated me like a princess and all my friends hit me up to fill me in about whats going on.
My relationship is back with my father. He drives me crazy but at the same time its nice having him around. He was always someone i could count on.
My mom appologized 10000000 times about everything. I am just not emotionally ready to talk to her yet. i know she loves me..i do. Its just i dont trust that she is not going to hurt me again.
Ana is wonderful. She sits and talks to me about everything when i am home. I have not had a mother figure in my life since i was 16. Its kinda nice to have someone there who actually does love and talk to me like a mother as opposed to trying to be my friend.

I guess i took everything for granted that i had. I look at the bad as bad. I know that this is right for me now. I am saving money for a goal i would like to achieve. I want to actually LIVE my life.

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 04:29:03 GMT

i got tyler to take me to a club the other night...
and dance

hell officially froze over.

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 02:52:08 GMT

i had the best 2 days. God do i fucking love amanda and ty.

Craziest shit has been going down lately. Its like the fucking twilight zone. Bar hopping with everyone was awesome..i still cant believe amanda went. heh.

baby baby babyyyy <33333

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 13:32:03 GMT

i have been awake since 630 getting ariana ready for school and shit reading over this journal. It made me feel much better to realize all the bullshit i have gone through all these years..and i made it. Something always happened that was even better then the last. Even though i think god has a sick way of teaching me things i need to make the best out of the situation im in an not sit and live off what used to be. Every 24 hours is a new day i just need to take it one day at a time. I have had some good times and some really horrible times. I remember the good and learned from the horrible. I am turning into a wonderful girl..i may have some problems going on but who doesnt? I felt like such a loser moving home but so many people live at home because it is just to expensive..i for one know that.

I am trying to feel extremely lucky. I had another option besides moving out and living on the street. I have awesome friends who all texted me last night saying they missed me already. I have Amanda who is always there for me and i can talk to her about everything and anything and she is the one person who always understands me. She saw me at my worst of times and never ONCE made a judging remark. She is the most understanding person i have ever met. She prob knows me more then anyone in the past 3 years then the ones i have known my whole life. I am going to miss having her around everynight to talk to and do silly things with. As i called for it shane tried to tell her not to be my friend. I know amanda and i have seen her intereact with shane. Usually she just brushes him off and or does what he says. She put up a fight about it and basically told him to fuck off. Her friendship means everything to me.
I have an amazing boyfriend. We went through some hard times with walls up between us from past relationships. Past couple months have been amazing. He made me 21st birthday the most special day. The past week i have been so upset about everything and he has been there..when in the past he wasnt. Dont get me wrong..we both still have walls up. Him more then i do but it always seems to be that way. Men always think about the future of what will make them happy when i go with what makes me happy now. I dont blame him though. I know the pain he went through with being toyed with. I dont know if it makes him smart to have built the walls or a complete dumbass. Maybe because i know myself. I know i wouldnt hurt him. I have no interest in anyone but him. In my eyes we are completely perfect. I told him i knew it from the start..he said i used to be too crazy for him with all the drinking and crazy shit i would do..but that was not me.. that was some girl i never met before. I am ashamed of what i have done but the past is the past. He has accepted all those flaws and saw me at the worst of times and still stayed around.

Pretty much what i need to figure out with all this time alone is what i want to do. What my next stages of life are. I would love to move to Cali but who knows in reality how long it will be before it actually happens. I just know i am bound to be there someday.

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 01:33:26 GMT

I moved to my dads today. I already dont like it. I dont feel like im at home. I miss the apartment but i hate that fucking place at the same time. I wish shane was just out of the picture and it was mine and amandas. I miss her already. Im a mess.. not really. Just emotionally. I am completely out of options at this point. I guess i just have to suck it up for now until i figure out the next stage of my life. I miss my friends already.I am used to going out or just sitting hanging out with SOMEONE not just sitting here...one day and its driving me crazy. I hate being so far from ty. We are too perfect together to be this far apart. I dont know anyone within 45 minutes of me. How fucking sad is that.

This fucking sucks. I hate missing people. Its the worst feeling.

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 22:14:20 GMT

all i can say is i called it.

i fucking called it.

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 02:50:58 GMT

It is going to be so hard to move away from my life..even if its only an hour away. My friends my boy my old job. Everything that i got comfortable in having around all the time. Its going to be a huge change up and im not sure i am ready to be alone just yet. Seeing my boy one or two times a week is going to be weird and seeing my friends so little will be weird too. Getting a different job and not knowing anyone. Having amanda around all the time. The one person i can go to about everything wont be around. As far as im concerned shane will have a shitfit when i leave and not let her talk/see me. She told me he cant do that. But he can...her and i both know it. Losing one best friend was enough this year and it will suck if i lose another.

I have one main goal in my mind and i hope it all goes together right.

Col you and your family are in my prayers. I love you girl...your dad will always be with you.

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 01:12:48 GMT

just a few more days till a life change.

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 19:32:16 GMT

First Giants game today..i have been waiting forever for this.
Few days till i move out. I was packing the other day and manda kept walking in and started crying. I feel bad but at the same time i couldnt be happier. I know this is what i need to do. Go to my dads save money and get the fuck out of jersey. I have no ties to this place..i decided it would be the best thing for me to experience life outside of here and if i dont like it...i can always come back. Things with ty and i have been amazing and i couldnt be any happier with him. My last day of friendlys is saturday..as much as i hate that place im going to miss seeing all my friends everyday. My brother has his first girlfriend and its adorable how happy he is. Everything is working out now even though it is everything i didnt want a few months back.

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 16:50:59 GMT

Its not the things he doesnt say...
Its the things he does...

<333333333333333333333
ahhh

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 06:22:18 GMT

Job interview in a few hours and im too nervous to sleep. Plus i was out all night racing on 37 to actually do my resume till now. heh. RP and i had a deep conversation about what we are doing with our lives. He kinda made me realize about how getting my foot in the door is..and how i need to stop letting people hold me back from doing what is best for me. Idk where to begin with everything but i kinda feel like if i get this job that i should save up move out of state and go to school where it is cheaper. Im sick of struggling.

i just need the right mindset. the mindset of "fuck everyone im doing this for myself."

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 18:14:12 GMT

Bobs house burnt down last night so his cats are staying with us..i feel so bad for him and his mom. Makes me feel kinda lucky that i even have a place to live even if i hate it so much. My hours were increased to 40 for cooking this week which is the shit. I cant wait to get my other job in the morning. $$$$$$$$$$$$

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 23:09:55 GMT

today ty and i went out to lunch and talked about moving back in together..only problem is neither of us have any money to do such a thing on account i have my rent to pay for still. I have an interview on Monday for PNC bank so if i get the job that will help this situation out immensely. Im now a cook at friendlys and hes paying me 11 dollars an hour to do it so fuck it. I really really want to move back in with him!!

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 02:31:49 GMT

Last night was RP's end of the summer blow out. Which for some of us ended at 730am. ugh. It was fun regardless and met some more cool people. The pine beach girls and i are going out wed cuz ellan is leaving to go back to school.These girls are fucking awesome. I have such a good time with them. Ty came over during the day yesterday and i cooked us dinner and we watched a movie and took a nap together woke up and watched football. The bank called me back and i should be getting another job there soon. Shane is still a fucking asshole and i have been looking around for houses for rent but everything is 2 bedroom when i only need one. I want to move out cuz its crazy to pay the amount of money for a place i only sleep at. Im never home.

besides all that...

Things are going so fucking well lately. =) Knock on wood.

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 17:51:50 GMT

Yesterday was amandas moms wedding and it was beautiful. Tys mom was sooo nice to me telling me how beautiful i looked and his dad was talking to me about getting out of the apartment. They gave me money for my birthday which was shocked about. I have been walking around with 10 dollars in my pocket that i still have since thursday and i havent spent it at all but ive been out at bars everynight. heh. I love Birthday weeks!

Tomorrow is the first preseason game for the giants so im going out with ty and the boys to watch it.
Back to work tomorrow =( This vacation was awesome tho!

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 19:32:18 GMT

That was the BEST fucking birthday.
I am so fucking happy =) =)

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 18:52:48 GMT

Finally 21!
Now off to A.C with ty cuz he got us a room for my birthday!! <3333