After 2 years some of my debt is being payed off finally. Some weight is lifted off..now i just need to call and work on the fucking repoed car. I should be making payments for that shit for the rest of my god damn life. Fuck.

Its so hard to save up for shit when im still trying to pay my past off. When the hell did this all become so out of control?
I was so god damn young when i was forced to move out that i had to learn to be alone so quick and work for EVERYTHING that i had.
This is all so stressful and sad to think about and it makes me cry everytime.

I wish i was not in the position i am in right now being 21 and NOW having the luxury of living home. Only to fix the problems that were created by me being alone. But at least i have a chance to fix it all i guess.

I wish that home was closer to where i consider my home...i really dont even know what a home is. To me..being here is not home. I cant fucking STAND being here.

Yesterday proved to me that you are everything i could ask for.

i figured out what i want to do..
it is just 6 years of school...
and i honestly dont think i am ready for that.

i hate thisss. I'm on a soup diet now cuz i popped my damn jaw out of place. Ty took care of me all day cuz i can hardly eat drink sleep or talk. I saw paranomal activity with ty gortva bill ryan and amanda yesterday after getting my asshole handed to me at work. Everytime i work i walk out with 70-100 for only working 5-6 hours. But as much as i love the money and i cant imagine what i would make summer time there...i want a full time job with benifits so..i may be getting a job working for an ambulance company but its all the way back in lakewood go figure. I dont mind commuting to work..i just need a new car first.

i learn more and more everyday about what i got myself into.

Trusting was never easy for me.. now i understand why i didnt at first.

At least i know we are for real now.

Its weird meeting new people. But i have met some pretty awesome people that i work with over here. I went pumpkin picking on wed with ty his sister manda and ryan. =) I love them. I'm so excited cuz halloween party #1 is at Jamies houseeeee and is coming up soon!

can i say...
I am extremely fucking happy.

yes...
I am extremely fucking happy.

new job= cash flowwwwww

Thank goddddd

My cousins wedding was so beautiful. I actually talked to my uncle for the first time in forever cuz as a kid he was always so scary to me. My mom was kissing my ass and following me around. Tyler was absolutely the perfect date. I had such a good time.
Things are coming together. I am realizing that even though im far away from everyone..i am making the best of what i have. I have a job..and hardly any bills. Now on my days off i can go to see them and have money to actually go out and do things.
I was so afraid last week because i thought the distance was going to have an effect on my relationship with people. If anything..my friendships and my relationship with ty are so much better. This whole weekend ty treated me like a princess and all my friends hit me up to fill me in about whats going on.
My relationship is back with my father. He drives me crazy but at the same time its nice having him around. He was always someone i could count on.
My mom appologized 10000000 times about everything. I am just not emotionally ready to talk to her yet. i know she loves me..i do. Its just i dont trust that she is not going to hurt me again.
Ana is wonderful. She sits and talks to me about everything when i am home. I have not had a mother figure in my life since i was 16. Its kinda nice to have someone there who actually does love and talk to me like a mother as opposed to trying to be my friend.

I guess i took everything for granted that i had. I look at the bad as bad. I know that this is right for me now. I am saving money for a goal i would like to achieve. I want to actually LIVE my life.

i got tyler to take me to a club the other night...
and dance

hell officially froze over.