I am in a stage in life where i need to stand strong for myself. I have been thinking alot about moving to my dads in east brunswick...but i think i would be just as unhappy there as i am here...minus the fact i wont have to see shane anymore. I wouldnt be able to move until i have the car running right and then i am thinking maybe things will be better if i have a car then i wont have to deal with shanes bullshit anymore and just never be home.

Im at an interesting point with ty. We, in reality, can only really see each other one full day a week. It sucks...but to my surprise he is being really good about all of it. Im getting the first stages of a relationship a little late..just for the fact that now we actually have time to miss each other. I now get the i miss you texts and kisses and cuddle time that i never really was getting before. In a way...it seems like it could be good for us..but at the same time i havent been able to sleep at all and i forgot how much it was possible for one person to cry. Im not used to this crying shit anymore..and its all i seem to do now. It feels weird going to sleep without him and i wake up a few times every night to reach for him and hes not there. Then what really gets me is i walk in and see shane cuddling with amanda on the couch...which they never did before. Its like a big "HAHA" in my face from him because he knows how upset i am. He basically makes me miserable ruined my relationship and is now fucking with mine and amandas friendship. I'm at the point where i dont know what to do. at all. Shit is going to blow up eventually. Im just waiting for it.

You fucked up my life my friendship and my relationship.

you fucking slimy ass bastard piece of shit.

the end is near.

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I have decided im joining a gym. I need to occupy myself with things other then all this bullshit and sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I work and do nothing and i cant stand myself. I take xanax just so i can tolerate sitting at home with shanes constant bitching about everything and bothering me every chance he gets because he has nothing else to do. I'm so happy im going back to school in the fall which will take even more of my time. I realized that i really dont have many friends or maybe i never really did and that was always ok. Not now when i need someone to talk too. Last summer i was out every night having so much fun and now im this fucking grandmother that doesnt do anything. I hate it.

I feel like sometimes im being taken for granted with ty. Hes only around when there is nothing else to do. But i also know that where he hangs out makes me him happy and hanging out at the apartment drives him crazy the less he is here the longer he will stay living here. I'm thinking when i get my car back things will pick up with us. I had a dream that made me wake up histerical. I had a dream he was cheating on me and i walked in on him and some girl and when i freaked out he didnt care at all. He just kept saying "look at her ass...would you pass that up?" I ended up murdering the girl needless to say. Maybe im just being crazy lately..i am due for my period. When hes home everything is perfect with us now..no fighting and he actually cuddles and tells me about his entire day. Weve made so much progress that i dont think in reality its really ending...im just going crazy. Plus, i know him better then to ever cheat on me becuase as much as he acts like a hardass hes cares about hurting me. In all honesty i think this is the best relationship i could ever ask for. Plus, He got someone to fix my car tomorrow or tuesday then im all set...for real this time.

Starting Tuesday i plan to be a new me...im going on a diet going to the gym working and going to school in the fall.

Thats my plan.

This is not going to turn out so well.

i am so sad.

I'm not the one that you want, I'm not the one that you need
My love is like a fucking disease
You can give me your hand, you can make your demands
I'm the hardest mother fucker to please

i realized this morning that i am no fun anymore.

i kind of miss last summer.
So far...this summer blows.

I am so happy i can see clearly and don't choose things because its whats easy.